


Just Living With the Stuff I Have Learned

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Aftercare, Anal Fingering, Angst, Body Worship, Depression, Die is a Supportive Boyfriend, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hatemail, Healing, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Bondage, M/M, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:40:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25144054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: Die followed the sound down the hall and found Kyo sitting on the floor in front of the full-length mirror in the bedroom.He seemed to not really notice Die coming in as he sat there, shirtless, apparently lost in his own reflection, and for a brief moment Die smiled, seeing him like that.His smile fell away as he drew closer and saw what Kyo was staring at, how he was running his fingertips lightly over the scars along his chest and ribs, just tracing them slowly, again and again.
Relationships: Die/Kyo (Dir en grey)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 40





	Just Living With the Stuff I Have Learned

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm back with just something sort of soft and small. Actually, it's pretty heavy with some of the angst.  
> Trigger warning for discussion of letters a character receives, encouraging him to commit suicide.  
> I think the next multi-chapter will start next week (but it's nothing grand-scale) sooo yep. One-shot in the meantime. Hope everyone's doing well <3

Die was in an almost unusually good mood as he pulled into the driveway of his and Kyo’s townhouse. It had been a long day recording at the studio, a tiring one, but it left him with that sense of accomplishment that he couldn’t really get anywhere else. On top of that, it was the first evening that both he and Kyo had had completely free in weeks, and he was looking forward to spending some quality time with his lover.

He unlocked the front door and found the entryway and living room dark. It wasn’t all that strange; many times if Kyo was home alone he would stick mostly to the bedroom or home studio, focused on work until something physically interrupted.

Die called out, “Tadaima,” into the stillness of the house, and the “Okaeri” reply came, softly, a beat late.

Figuring that meant Kyo was caught up in work, Die followed the sound down the hall and found Kyo sitting on the floor in front of the full-length mirror in the bedroom.

He seemed to not really notice Die coming in as he sat there, shirtless, apparently lost in his own reflection, and for a brief moment Die smiled, seeing him like that.

His smile fell away as he drew closer and saw what Kyo was staring at, how he was running his fingertips lightly over the scars along his chest and ribs, just tracing them slowly, again and again.

“Kyo?” Die questioned softly.

Kyo didn’t jump, didn’t really even pause in his movements.

“What’s going on?” Die was a bit concerned. This wasn’t exactly what he was used to finding when he came home. True, he could never _really_ know what to expect since he and Kyo moved in together last year, but whatever was happening didn’t seem to be good.

“They’re so light,” Kyo whispered, tracing one of the pale lines under his pectorals. “Even if it weren’t for all the tattoos, you could hardly see them anymore.”

“I guess that’s… what happens,” Die said, somewhat uncertainly. “It’s good. Over time everything heals.”

Kyo didn’t say anything for a moment, then, “It seems like. There should be more.” He didn’t look at Die. “If they’ve faded that much, I should add new ones. Make them darker again.”

Die’s stomach twisted. This wasn’t a manner in which he’d heard Kyo speaking recently. No one would claim Kyo was a carefree guy or anything, but in general, he was in a better place mentally than he had been when those scars were made.

“Is… everything okay?” Die said, wishing he could think to say literally anything else. It was pretty obvious that Kyo wasn’t okay, but from what he could tell, this plummet in mood had come totally out of nowhere. It wasn’t like Kyo had never had such a relapse before, but Die was worried there must have been signs that he’d been missing.

A rueful smile appeared on Kyo’s face. “I know that’s not how it works. It’s just how it feels. Like even if I don’t _want_ to for the usual reasons of just because I want to _hurt_ , I need to, so they don’t fade away.” He finally looked away from his reflection, down at the floor, and muttered, “Doesn’t make sense.”

“No, it—it does,” Die said. He didn’t know if it was the right response. Was he supposed to validate Kyo’s fantasies of self-harm or not? Whatever he was _supposed_ to do, he had to admit that he could _understand_ Kyo’s thought process. He didn’t know why it had started in the first place, but he could see how he’d gotten to this destination. “It making sense doesn’t mean—you don’t really need to do it, you know.”

It was clear that Kyo wanted to make some retort, but he apparently thought better of it and Die could see where his tongue was pressing against the inside of his cheek as he shook his head.

“What’s going on?” Die asked again, crouching down near where Kyo sat. He didn’t want to crowd him physically, but he still wanted to be nearby. “Something happened?”

"Why would something need to have happened?”

“You want to hurt yourself.”

“I usually do,” Kyo said, his voice a little distant.

Die’s frown deepened significantly. Maybe that was true. He knew that Kyo dealt with a lot more internally than he ever let anyone see, but that that made it all the more unbelievable that this was just an everyday episode.

“What’s bringing it up now?” Die pressed on.

“It’s not about something _bringing it up_!” Kyo’s temper flared and his eyes squeezed shut. “Just existing as I am is bad enough without anything _happening._ ”

Die stared at him. He hated to see Kyo like this, hated seeing him get so hopeless and lost. He laid a hand on his shoulder only to have Kyo shove him back.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”

Abruptly, Kyo seemed to realize what he’d done, and turned to actually face Die. The hurt must have been easily readable in his expression because Kyo scrambled to apologize, though he stopped before actually reaching out to Die, and covered his own face with both hands instead. “I’m so sorry, Die. I’m such a fuck-up, I just… I don’t understand.”

“Don’t understand what?” Die asked, barely audible.

“ _You_ , why you’re here!” Kyo said, somewhat desperately. He pulled at his own hair. “Why can’t you seem to see what everyone else does, that I’m a fucking worthless piece of shit?”

“You—what?!” Die wanted to scream, he was so frustrated and confused. Where was this coming from? “What are you talking about? _Who_ is ‘ _everyone else’_?”

Kyo didn’t answer, just crossed his arms over his chest and scowled, refusing to meet Die’s gaze.

“Who?” Die repeated. There was clearly something there. Whatever had happened—

All at once it hit Die, and he stood up and left the room, heading straight for the home studio and Kyo’s desk. Sure enough, it was littered with mail. He could recall a conversation he’d had with Kyo just the other day, about Kyo wanting to make more of an effort to read, maybe even respond to some of his fanmail. It was evident now that embarking on that project had also brought Kyo into direct contact with some of the uglier letters he was sent.

There was a reasonably tidy stack of them on the desk, and Die flipped through, skimming the pages, picking out phrases like “ _No-talent sellout_ ,” “ _disgusting_ ,” “ _pathetic_ , _worthless waste of space_.” Several seemed to suggest he’d only held value when he’d been hurting himself onstage, and more than a few recommended in no uncertain terms that he should take his own life.

Rage took Die over so fully that his vision blurred. The papers fell from his hands and he didn’t move to pick them up. He remembered when this had happened before, years ago. Kyo had ended up disengaging with fanmail of any kind because it had just gotten to be too much. Even Die had gotten his share of hate over the years, about his appearance or his playing, being told to leave the band, but nothing compared to what Kyo got. As the vocalist, he was a target for extremes from both ends of the spectrum; he was loved, but he was hated, too. Kyo wasn’t a weak person—anything but, as far as Die was concerned—but the pain of being told that shit again and again would have taken its toll on anyone.

“Do you see what I mean now?” Kyo’s voice came quiet from behind Die, and he turned to find him leaning defeated against the doorframe.

“You’re basing your worth on these-these nameless, faceless—”

“They’re _right_ , Die,” Kyo said firmly. He came into the room, started silently gathering up the hatemail. “Say what you will about them, doesn’t make them wrong.”

Die watched him incredulously. “Of _course_ they’re wrong. They’re not even the majority! Kyo, for every _one_ of those cowardly slugs giving you grief, there are _dozens_ —”

“‘ _The world would be better off without your sorry-ass attempts at art, so why don’t you do us all a favor and kill yourself_ ,’” Kyo read, one random letter in his hand. He flipped to another. “‘ _I’d say I’m going to celebrate when you finally die except I don’t think there’s a person on this planet who would give a fuck if you were gone_.’” He picked up a third letter. “‘ _Kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself—_ ’ It goes on like that for the whole page.” Kyo gave Die a meaningful look.

“And others have pages filled with how you’ve given _them_ the strength to live,” Die said. “You don’t think that’s worth something?”

“I don’t want people to expect that from me,” Kyo said.

“I know. But it’s going to happen. Just like these assholes are gonna keep sending these things—” Die gestured to the pages still on the floor—“if not to you, then to someone else.”

Kyo shook his head. “I deserve them.”

“Do you really believe that?” Die asked seriously.

Kyo hesitated in answering. He looked lost again, and small, and while Die knew there was no real way to keep Kyo from putting the weight of the world on himself, there were still ways he could ease some of the pressure.

It was his duty and his privilege to be able to do that.

Die held out his hand and waited for Kyo to take it so he could help him to his feet. Still, Kyo wouldn’t quite meet his eyes, his shoulders slumped forward so he was curled in on himself.

“Don’t you trust me?” Die asked, gently tipping Kyo’s chin up to get him facing him.

“You know I do.”

“Do you trust those random hate-mongering strangers more than you trust me?”

There wasn’t really anything Kyo could do besides shake his head.

“If you can’t see your worth right now,” Die said, “that’s okay. I understand what it’s like to be in that place. But you’re worth a lot to me. And if you’ll let me, I’d like to show you.” He waited for a response. He wasn’t about to damage the trust Kyo put in him by pressing him into an evening with which he was uncomfortable, and if it came down to it, he could always figure out another way to help Kyo back from the brink of despair.

It seemed like hours later when Kyo finally nodded, squeezing Die’s hand. “Show me.”

Slowly, Die leaned in then, kissed Kyo sweetly at first, but let it change into something claiming, something that stole the air from Kyo’s lungs, left him grasping Die’s shirt tightly, his chest pressed against Die’s own. It was familiar, and Kyo seemed to relax into the tension.

Die had learned long ago that this was sometimes what Kyo needed, to be drawn out of himself and to let someone else take the reins for a while. Naturally, it only worked because Kyo trusted Die absolutely, and because Die recognized that with the appropriate amount of precautions.

Barely pausing to break the kiss, Die guided Kyo all the way back to their bedroom, not stopping until he got Kyo lying down on the bed.

Kyo went down without protest, verbally confirmed his regular safewords, and let Die tie his wrists to the headboard with some soft lengths of cord.

It wasn’t exactly about restraining him, or about taking something away. It was more that Kyo had a lot of difficulty receiving attention. He got antsy and impatient if he wasn’t in control of the situation, and when Die wanted to take his time worshiping Kyo, demonstrating the full extent of his adoration for him, he needed to be sure Kyo wouldn’t interrupt.

As Kyo was already without his shirt, Die began his slow exploration with his chest, the very same faded scars that Kyo had been hung up on.

There was only a subtle hitch in Kyo’s breath as Die ghosted his lips over marred skin. Every touch was so light and fleeting that Kyo couldn’t settle into it, and that was what Die wanted for now. He would let him relax soon enough, but he wanted to build up the tension before that point.

He continued his work down Kyo’s abdomen, never speaking, never lingering in one spot. Kyo, too, was silent, save for a few gasps and sighs, as Die laid kisses across his ribcage and down to his bellybutton.

It wasn’t strictly sexual, but Die couldn’t miss how Kyo was growing harder with each passing minute. He wasn’t asking for anything, and Die made no move to take things in that direction, but he still smiled with the knowledge that his touch made Kyo feel so good.

As time went by, Kyo was clearly growing restless. He didn’t struggle against his bonds, but he squirmed as Die’s tongue outlined the definition of his abs, like he couldn’t help it.

Die was sure it was already a lot, considering how little Kyo tended to ask for himself. Just as he reached the waistband of Kyo’s pants, Die changed direction, traveling back upward. He allowed himself more focus on the way up, showering attention on certain areas that got Kyo biting down on his lip or letting out the smallest of whimpers. He took his sweet time with Kyo’s nipples, sucking, and moving his tongue in circles around them. He waited for Kyo’s eyes to turn down towards him, dark and hooded, before he flicked just the tip of his tongue rapidly over one hard peak, and Kyo rewarded him with a well-earned moan.

Die smiled, and nipped at Kyo’s skin. That was what he wanted; to pull more of those sounds from Kyo, to get him to a place where he could feel like even the _sensation_ was worth having, and _he_ was worthy of having it. Anything to counteract the vitriol he’d read in those letters, the bad shit his brain tried to tell him on a daily basis.

The kisses that skimmed across Kyo’s collarbone were delicate, meant to show appreciation more than to _claim_ or _conquer,_ or to get some reaction. They were just passing whispers of love on the path to Kyo’s pulse.

Die trailed his fingertips up Kyo’s side as he pressed his tongue against his pulse point, scraped his teeth all the way up his neck to his jaw. There, he kissed him, warmly, tenderly, and rubbed his nose against the shell of his ear. 

“How’re you feeling?” he asked, checking in. It seemed like the elevated tension had largely dispersed; Kyo had sort of melted into the mattress, and even his squirming seemed like the inevitable physics of a liquid form, rather than the spring-loaded jerking of a time bomb.

There was a pause, then, “I don’t know,” soft, almost ashamed.

Die accepted that as an honest answer, but it meant his work wasn’t finished. He murmured some quiet reassurances and shifted to kiss Kyo’s mouth.

Kyo kissed back like he needed Die in order to breathe, arched up to reach him.

Die cupped his cheek. “You’re being so patient and good for me. Just keep relaxing, all right?”

Kyo nodded obediently, straining to reach Die’s lips again, and Die met him halfway.

As they kissed, leisurely and slow, Die let his hand wander back down Kyo’s torso, clear down to his thigh, where he stroked lightly up and down. 

He had to be careful how he timed everything. It was all well and good to spend the whole evening laying worship to Kyo’s body, but if he took _too_ long with it, Kyo would tense up again, having had too much time to overthink what was happening, and then the entire purpose would be lost.

“I’m going to touch you now, since you’re doing so well,” Die said, just to be sure he wouldn’t catch Kyo by surprise when his hand drifted up to cover Kyo’s erection and rub over it through his pants.

Kyo’s head tilted back, exposing his neck, and Die eagerly took to licking and biting at the tattooed skin while his hand gradually found its way inside Kyo’s pants to wrap around his stiff cock.

For a while, he didn’t advance things any further than that, just kissed Kyo’s neck and stroked his length, but as Kyo started to rock his hips to match Die’s movements, Die backed off, unwilling to let Kyo find his end yet.

Removing his mouth from Kyo’s neck, Die shimmied down and slid Kyo’s pants off his hips, letting the cool air of the bedroom hit his erection.

Kyo twitched and a bead of pre-cum was visible at the tip of his cock.

Die followed his instincts and lapped it up, nearly moaning at the simple taste of him. His hands gently pushed Kyo’s thighs apart, fingers pressing into toned muscle as he settled himself between Kyo’s legs.

Kyo was looking down at him, eyes glassy, chest rising and falling with his shallow breaths.

Die had to close his eyes for a second. Seeing Kyo like that, he wanted to tear him apart almost as much as he wanted to reassure him, and that wasn’t what Kyo needed from him in the moment.

Eyes still closed, Die lowered himself until he felt Kyo’s cock brush his lips. He ran his tongue up the shaft, teased around the foreskin before sucking the head into his mouth.

Kyo grunted softly, his thighs spasming under Die’s hands.

Die waited until another pulse of pre-cum hit his tongue, then pulled off to press open-mouthed kisses from tip to base. There, he gave Kyo’s balls some attention, sucking lightly and bending lower to lick behind them.

Kyo’s head thrashed to one side at the first pass of Die’s tongue over his taint, and he made some punched-out sound, but Die didn’t stop. He knew all of Kyo’s most sensitive areas, even if Kyo was unwilling to voice his desire for certain things himself. Within seconds, Kyo’s thighs were shaking as Die kept up his ministrations, his nose pressing against Kyo’s balls. He didn’t want to _completely_ overwhelm him, so once Kyo started keening, Die half-reluctantly moved on, coming back up to suckle at the head of Kyo’s cock once more.

In an impressive feat of self-control, Kyo did not buck his hips up to thrust deeper into Die’s mouth, but he made another noise of vague distress, and Die wanted to reassure him. He moved to press kisses against Kyo’s hip, and ran one hand all the way up the inside of his thigh until he reached the cleft of his round ass, and so slowly, traced Kyo’s rim with one finger. It was a question; was Kyo up for being taken apart in that way, or was it too much?

There was a few seconds’ pause before Kyo whispered, “Yes, please,” and Die smiled somewhat proudly against his heated skin.

He never stopped touching Kyo, caressing him, kissing him, even as he retrieved the lube and started to gently work one finger, then two, inside. There was no rush, no real urgency to how he stretched him. More than that, Die just wanted to keep him feeling good, relaxed, show him how loved he was, and every subtle response of Kyo’s body told him that it was working, even if Kyo’s mind wasn’t fully conscious of the effect.

“You’re doing so well,” Die murmured, his fingers still moving slowly and deliberately inside him. “Are you feeling good?”

Kyo let out a breathy affirmation, and ground his hips down against Die’s hand. 

It was apparent that he was close, and Die weighed his options, whether it would be better to try to ease him back from the edge and then bring him up again, or he should just let him give in. At any rate, Kyo didn’t seem to be in the best state to make such a decision for himself.

All that was really important was that Kyo feel _good_ , and so Die started to move his fingers more purposefully over Kyo’s prostate, relaxing into his commitment to giving him total and thorough release. It was familiar, easy. No one knew better than he did how to unravel Kyo until he was nothing more than a contented whimpering puddle, and Die took this role seriously. He didn’t just know how, he was _good_ at it, and he enjoyed it.

And Kyo seemed to enjoy it, too, if the way he cried out and arched off the bed was any indication.

“We’re almost there,” Die assured him, and wrapped a firm but gentle hand around Kyo’s flushed cock. “Don’t fight it, don’t chase it, just let it come.”

Kyo bit his lip and nodded, but his eyebrows were still knit together like he was in pain. The goal was for that tension to all just bleed away, and Die kept his pace steady, careful not to work Kyo up to a sharp peak he would tip over, but to keep it gradual, so his orgasm could just wash over him peacefully.

It required a lot of concentration, noting the smallest details of where Kyo was and what he needed more or less of, but Kyo was worth every effort, and Die made sure to let him know that, continuing to whisper praises and encouragement while he guided him towards his climax, and when it finally came, it was no surprise to either one of them, but perhaps even more immensely satisfying because of that. Kyo just let out a soft cry, and his release spilled out over Die’s fingers.

“Perfect,” Die said, beaming at him, “You were wonderful, so good for me.” He pulled his fingers free and backed off slowly, still trying to control the rate at which Kyo became overwhelmed. He moved to loosen Kyo’s bonds so he could lower his arms, and then went to quickly clean himself up.

When he came back to the bedroom with a towel and a glass of water, Kyo hadn’t really moved. He was lying on his back with his eyes closed one hand resting on his chest.

“How are your wrists?” Die asked quietly as he climbed back onto the bed.

“Intact.”

“No pain?”

Kyo shook his head and opened his eyes to look up at him. “Thank you.”

“Drink your water,” Die instructed.

Kyo sat up to drink the water and let himself be cleaned up with the towel. He still seemed quiet and distracted, but he wasn’t pushing Die away, so maybe that was a step in the right direction.

All the same, Die didn’t want to leave him alone for very long. He just set the empty water glass on the nightstand, tossed the towel in the general direction of the bathroom, and scooted closer to Kyo, just sitting by him and waiting on him to say anything.

But when Kyo spoke all he said was, “I mean it, you know.”

“Mean what?”

“Thank you.” Kyo didn’t look at him, but he took Die’s hand in both of his, kept his gaze fixed on that instead. “For being so patient, for taking care of me. I know it’s probably not easy to deal with me, when I get so…”

Die shook his head. “There’s no one I’d rather deal with.” He looked at Kyo’s profile, the softness of the lines of his face when there was no audience. “You mean so much to me. I just wish you could see it for yourself.”

Kyo swallowed. “You make me feel… like I can see it. Sometimes, just a little bit, but for that moment, when you smile at me, or you tell me… I don’t know. It makes it easier to put away the other feelings, the other voices. I can just focus on _your_ voice, and it makes it a little easier to make it to tomorrow."

It was still a bit painful to hear it put so bleakly, but Die nodded. “I’ll be here to talk to you tomorrow then, too. And every tomorrow after.”

Kyo laughed and rolled his eyes a little, but he leaned into Die, resting his head on his shoulder. “Then I guess I’ll have to stick around too, to hear what you say.”

“Yep, that’s how it works,” Die said. He kissed the top of his head. 

He knew that he couldn’t erase every one of Kyo’s doubts and insecurities, much as he might try. There would always be someone else shouting their negativity, aiming to injure, and Die couldn't always be there to protect him. Sometimes Kyo’s own dark thoughts would make him more vulnerable to those attacks and there would no doubt be worse days than this, but as long as Die was around, there would be at least one person to help bring Kyo moments of peace and clarity, show him that he was worthwhile. Maybe those moments were brief and hard to come by, but maybe, that could be enough.


End file.
